Avoiding The Victim Mentality
Let's face it, life can be truly unfair at times. But what matters is how we react to adversity. Do we spiral, or get proactive? Do we blame others, or take accountability for what we can and learn from it? Resisting the victim mentality is so important for adolescents who are extremely impressionable and - by nature of their underdeveloped brain - tend to take the easy way out of situations.
So, what exactly is a victim mentality?
A victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which people tend to view themselves as victims. When negative things happen to us, our knee-jerk reaction is frequently to ask, “Who is to blame for this?” It's human nature for many to blame others before themselves when bad things happen. However, when someone constantly complains about their life circumstances, and all the bad things happening to them and never takes personal responsibility for them, they may be living with a victim mentality.
Why is it a big deal if adolescents have a victim mentality?
Adolescents can easily fall into the victim mentality, especially if that playing victim behavior is encouraged from a young age by influential adults in their lives. And since adolescence is truly the gateway to adulthood, this victim pattern can impair the child's ability to effectively move forward, live independently, and succeed in life long term. Why? Because one's ability to be autonomous “requires (them) to make wise and ethical decisions in the face of difficult circumstances and choices.” (1)
Another important reason for avoiding a victim mentality in young adults is this causes them to have a lack of coping mechanisms. Kids at the adolescent stage should be regularly failing, learning from it, and coming up with new ways to get through these situations on their own. This allows them to understand they have control, and can survive by using coping strategies, which are like superpowers.
Signs of a victim mentality:
Focus on the negative: Kids with a victim mentality will skip right over the good things in life to focus on the occasional bad one. They may dismiss good luck or claim it was a fluke. And the cycle of feeling bad will continue to be a sad self-fulfilling prophecy the more they focus on the negative.
Regularly claim circumstances are out of their control: A sense of helplessness can cause kids to allow bad things to happen or believe their efforts to change things won't work, both of which leave them vulnerable. This feeling may actually be “learned helplessness” which stems from parents or influential adults perpetually doing things for a child, telling the child nothing is their fault, or swooping in and saving the child from failure. But the reality is that independence, accountability and learning from failure are critical to empowering a child, lessening feelings of helplessness and allowing them to learn how to succeed.
Predict failure or embarrassment: A victim mentality causes a loss of hope, lack of self esteem, and lack of confidence in one's ability. If your child is prone to saying, “That good thing will never happen to me,” or “I'm not going to do what I want because people will laugh,” keep an eye out for these negative patterns that cause stress, discourage motivation and can lead to mental illness and other mental health and behavioral challenges.
Blame everyone else: Sometimes young adults aren't the sole cause of bad situations, but they usually have more control than they think. It's important for them to acknowledge the role they played in negative situations so they can learn from this, and avoid repeating the behavior so they can do better the next time.
Other signs (2)
Self-pity or truly thinking life is against them
Have trouble coping with problems in life and feel powerless against them
Feel stuck in life and approach things with a negative attitude
Feel attacked when someone tries to offer helpful feedback
Feeling sorry for themselves gives them relief or pleasure
Have friends who also blame others and complain about their life
Difficult for them to examine themselves and make changes
What causes a victim mentality?
Past Trauma like sexual abuse
Major setbacks
Learned helplessness - never allowed to fail or do things independently
Regardless of what caused a sense of victim complex, a common thread is that the person reacted to the cause with acceptance and complacency. For any of the above reasons, this is understandable. That's why it's important to help an adolescent who suffers from this victim role mindset to learn how to move forward more effectively.
How to prevent the victim mentality
These practices help any kid be empowered and confident to avoid negative patterns like victim mentality.
Confront negative emotions and mind “chatter” - Journaling and talking to others about these feelings are a good start to facing, rather than avoiding negative self-talk or feelings.
Learn problem-solving skills - Have your child brainstorm a handful of solutions, then assess the positives and negatives of each together, and have them choose a potential “solve” to test.
Celebrate everything positive - Teach your child to celebrate their wins and think positively about it, and the more confidence they can breed. With more confidence comes less space for victimhood because they realize that they are the only person in charge of their life.
Help others - Helping those in need provides the necessary perspective for kids to see their situation is not so bad.
Learn assertiveness - Encourage them to do things for themselves, even when it feels uncomfortable. Reach out to teachers on their own, tell a friend how they really feel, etc.
Practice gratitude - Being thankful helps us be positive and minimizes the occurrence of pity parties. Ask your teen about the best part of their day, or when they're bummed about what didn't go well, remind them about all the things that did.
Practice forgiveness - Letting go of anger and bitterness is critical to flipping the victim mentality.
Learn self-compassion - When a teen blames the universe for what's bad in their life, they're not actually attending to their suffering or helping themselves feel better. (3) Check out our blog post on self-compassion strategies for help here.
Thanks for your interest, and best of luck helping your child feel empowered rather than like the world is against them!
SOURCES:
George A. Goens, It’s Not My Fault: Victim mentality and becoming response-able
Web MD, What Is a Victim Mentality?
Psychology Today, Are you ready to stop feeling like a victim?
